My previous post was an attempt at pointing to a group psychology behind the goth subculture. This post, on the other hand, is simply to show you my psychology as a goth -- what makes me tick, the things I find interesting, my likes and dislikes, etc. The reason for this being, like I mentioned in my previous post, that goth is highly individualistic and therefore the psychology can be radically different from goth to goth. Note that not all of these things deal with being a goth, some of them just deal with me, since this doubles as a miniature autobiography.
There are some people out there who define themselves by different goth sub-types -- visit http://www.blackwaterfall.com/viewall.php to see a list -- I prefer to think of myself as a plain old goth. If you went through the "goth" folder on my mp3 player, you'd find Bauhaus, The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Astrovamps, Fear Cult, The Cruxshadows, and a lot of others. But I don't just limit myself to one or two particular sub-genres of goth music, I listen to what I enjoy, even if it's not -- *gasp* -- goth music. I might be listening to some classical piece then switch to hip-hop, goth, industrial, techno, punk, ska, reggae, jazz or whatever...rarely ever country, though, I find it highly depressing.
I do wear black eyeshadow/eyeliner and lipstick from time to time, but most times I'm too lazy to put it on before I leave to go somewhere. In my perspective, the appearance doesn't make the goth, it's the opposite way around, which I imagine is why some people have felt the need to divide goth into different sub-types. I also feel that goth isn't something a person just chooses to be -- you can't just say "I'm a goth" and instantly be one. There's definitely a mindset behind goth, and for me, at least, there's a deep and profound philosophical nature to it that's difficult to put into words without writing a book on the subject -- which I may or may not attempt to do at some point in the near future.
As far as fashion goes, my clothes are mostly black, but I also have a red shirt, a white one and a blue one. My pants are all black as a matter of personal choice -- I think blue jeans and tan colored khakis look absolutely ridiculous, at least on me. I do own a black leather trench coat, which I got for free from a previous neighbor who was simply throwing it out.
Despite a popular stereotype about goths, I'm not a Satanist. Actually, I'm not religious at all. I don't believe in any gods (including "Satan/Lucifer"), the supernatural or the paranormal, however those subjects do fascinate me -- especially the darker stuff that most people label as "satanic" or "occult". Although, I may practice "theatrical satanism", which is basically just satirizing the aforementioned stereotype. I'm also not a violent person, although if you were to read any of my works of fiction, you would swear I'm criminally insane -- I'm not though. My writing is my way of dealing with a lot of the unnecessary stresses that I get put through. I have Bipolar II Disorder, and I live with my sister, uncle, and nephew; the uncle has a tendency to rant at me about petty stuff and often pushes me to the verge of a nervous breakdown, which is where a lot of my more gruesome writings come from. A lot of my writing influences come from the works of the Romantic poets/writers -- i.e. Mary Shelley, Lord Byron, Edgar Allan Poe -- so a lot of my poetry, song lyrics, or short fiction tends to be on the dark side, sometimes with elements of the supernatural, other times it could be considered psychological horror/thriller type stuff.
I love coffee, especially dark roast -- even more especially, Italian roast. I'm a cynic and a misanthrope [1]. I am chivalrous, and a romantic. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I'm committed, almost to a fault -- some might say worthy of being committed to an insane asylum, but hey, they don't call it "madly in love" for nothing. I have a tendency to be sarcastic, and my sense of humor can at times be dark (see the above "madly in love" comment for an example). I also love to laugh at myself, and at other people. I can point out the beauty in what you might consider grotesque or morbid. I love who I am and wouldn't change myself for anything.
My favorite color is black, at least until they come up with a darker color. My other favorites are blood red, blue, neon green, and silver. My favorite writer is Edgar Allan Poe. I'm currently in the process of reading "The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde" by Robert Louis Stevenson. I enjoy cemeteries, although I haven't been to one in ages. One of my favorite bands is Bella Morte. I often have dreams about video games, and being tied to a bed and willingly violated by a significant other, which I currently do not have.
I've walked around White Oaks Mall for an hour wearing glitter makeup and a tiara, which was on a dare for ten minutes, the remaining fifty minutes was simply for the hell of it. I paint my nails, black. If you're a woman, single and still reading this, I want to get to know you. Why? Because I love the fact that you've made it this far. Congratulations! *Throws confetti.*
I'm a complete goofball, I love it, and I'm pretty sure you will too. I act like a 10-year-old sometimes, simply because it's fun. I view life as a brief moment in time, so I enjoy it while I can, because for all I know it could end tomorrow, or tonight for that matter. Death is just a natural part of life, like breathing. Everything that lives dies in time, so why would I want to spend that time feeling like I have to "act my age"...I don't have to act my age all the time, but I do have to act like me. Honestly, I'm surprisingly mature for my age. At age sixteen, a large majority of my friends were 30+ years old, and we'd sit around and talk about politics, philosophy, literature, history, religion, a whole bunch of stuff, really.
I grew up going to a private Christian school, which sucked. I was adopted, and the only man I've ever called "dad" died when I was 6 years old. My mom and I moved around a lot when I was a kid, first to a small town called Roodhouse (Illinois) when I was 8, then back to my hometown (Springfield, Illinois). When I was 12 we moved to Chicago, where we lived for a year. At age 13, we moved to a small town 15 miles south of Springfield called Divernon, where we lived for 2 years. I'm not kidding when I say "small", everyone knew everyone, and you pretty much couldn't do anything without the whole town knowing about it.
At 15, we moved back into Springfield proper, and I started up my sophomore year of high school at Springfield Southeast High School, where I ended up falling deeply in love with a girl who I had no initial attraction to whatsoever. I dropped out of high school my junior year because of a really bad breakup. I went back to school -- a different school, mind you -- about a year later and dropped out again because I got sick of reviewing instead of actually learning. I mean, when you're 16 years old and schooling your English Lit teacher on the Classics -- i.e. "Paradise Lost" by John Milton -- then you know you have good reason to quit. I subsequently got my GED, which I scored the highest possible score in each subject (12.9) except math, which was a 12.7.
At age 17, a month or so before my birthday, my mom kicked me out of the house for smoking pot, which I no longer use, but have no issue with those who do. At age 19, due to desperation, I decided to try and enlist for the US Army. I scored 85 on the ASVAB, just 14 points shy of a perfect score. I didn't go through with it, though -- decided my life was more important than an income. At age 20, I became homeless and started living on the street. At age 21 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, and began going to a psychosocial rehabilitation facility known as The West Lake Center, which was fun until it got closed down due to lack of funding. At age 22 I moved back in with my mom and her husband until she eventually lost her job and had to move to Ohio to stay with her brother, and I ended up moving in with my sister, uncle, and nephew, and I've been there ever since. My mom and step-father have since moved back to Springfield, but unfortunately I can't move in with them due to lack of an income which their apartment complex requires of anyone over 18, and the fact that I can't get along with my step-father for extended periods of time.
That's me, in a nutshell. Obviously there's more than just this, but I figure if you've made it this far, you might actually be willing to get to know me. *Gasp!*
As you can tell, this is a whole bunch of randomly ordered stuff, which is due to the fact that I'm just writing it as it pops into my head.
Oh, and one more thing, I LOVE horror movies. Not "Saw" though, that was a terrible excuse for horror.
1. Misanthrope [noun] - "a person who does not like other people", also "a person who hates or distrusts humankind" (Merriam-Webster)
